Random thoughts



The Substream's Film Lab

Home » Random thoughts

The “Dean Cain” 4 out of 10 Mediocre Movie Awards of 2008

Submitted by on February 27, 2009 – 6:10 amOne Comment

4outof10movieawardsForget the Oscars and forget the Razzies. Here at 4 out of 10 Movie Reviews we celebrate mediocrity and what way better way of doing that than by awarding the films of 2008 that deserved nothing more than a shrug. Yes. Let me welcome you to the “Dean Cain” 4 out of 10 Mediocre Awards of 2008!

The past year has been full of quite excellent films. Some of these are of a massive budget and some of these are with tight purse strings. Many of these films are recognised for being great, but what about the films that ultimately didn’t tick all of the boxes? It doesn’t matter how large the studio’s budget is, a mediocre film can slip through the net and sadly are often forgotten.

I suppose the usual scenario is to tell you the nominations for each category but I couldn’t be bothered with that needless tat. What you do (or do not) want to know is who has won. Firstly though, a little history lesson is in order.

You may be wondering why 4 out of 10 has honoured the legendary title of “Dean Cain” to each of these awards. The answer (like most in life) is simple. Mr Cain is symbolic of the simple adage: no matter how hard you try and no matter the size of the budget you just can’t help being mediocre. There’s nothing wrong with this in itself as Hollywood has been churning out mediocre movies like nobody’s business. However mediocrity doesn’t get you any recognition.

Well it’s time to change that now as in honour of Dean Cain’s work each month of 2008 will be awarded a mediocre movie award. Finally a will prevail in our Ultimate award of Mediocrity from 2008. So without further ado let’s start with January of 2008.

27-dresses-posterThe January 2008 mediocre movie of the month award goes to:

27 Dresses. Yes Katherine Heigl in a film that would make most men wince as she gets ever more obsessed about weddings! Men: reach for your extra large tub of popcorn to put on your head as you hope to God that the woman sitting next to you isn’t getting any scary ideas!


For February 2008 the mediocre movie of the month award goes to:
Jumper. Nice try young Mr Darth Vader but no cigar. Despite appearing in an $85 million movie you still manage to be simply okay-ish. This was a tough choice as in many ways Jumper had the makings of a good film. However it shows how important it is not to include wooden actors, wooden dialogue and a romance that has less life in it than my dead gerbil!

March’s award goes to:

21-poster21. Glossy? I don’t think so! This film had the makings of a true-life Ocean’s Eleven and despite Kevin Spacey and putting in suitable performances, it just couldn’t stop you yawning by the 37 minute mark!

April’s award can only be:

leatherheadsLeatherheads. George Clooney as a “break-the-rules” football player? Some damn cheesy dialogue and humour that only made you laugh out of sympathy for the poor souls involved. This was Leatherheads and I can assure you that if it’s in your Lovefilm / Netflix list, you’ll be strangely disappointed!

May’s award goes to:

indiana_jones_and_the_kingdom_of_the_crystal_skull_ver2Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. This was simply a no-brainer. What we were promised was action and a return to the Indiana Jones that we all loved. What we received was Cate Blanchett in a stupid wig, Shia LaBeouf in a “I wanna be just like daddy” role and one of the best actors of our time (John Hurt) mumbling incoherently throughout most of the film. Oh, and don’t forget the aliens! It looked like Mr Lucas and Mr Spielberg were having great laughs at our expense. Never mind though. It made stack loads of money, so I’m sure they’ll bring out more of the same in years to come.

June’s award goes to:

thehappeningThe Happening. The master that is M. Night Shyamalan brought us deadly wind with this silly-athon! Marky Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel run around the countryside a bit, trying not to come over all suicidal on us. Naturally with just a bit more effort, a better female , a few rewrites, a better threat, less hype and Shyamalan’s name taken off of it, the movie may have been good. Sadly this wasn’t the case and the world was disappointed.

July’s award goes to:

xfilesposterThe X-Files: I Want to Believe. David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, Xzibit and Billy Connolly run around the woods acting odd. Perhaps I was expecting a little too much from an film, but the full length feature was pretty good. We were promised the reuniting of Scully and Mulder and they shared less than 25% screen time together! It could have been a reawakening of The X-Files franchise but managed to be just….mediocre.

Sunny August’s award goes to:

MTD_Sneak1Sht_7 (Page 1)The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. This seemed to be another franchise killer after took the helm. Instead of doing the right thing (killing off the annoying kid and concentrating on Rick and Evelyn O’Connell’s story), they insisted on aging Fraser prematurely and letting the VERY annoying twenty-something (played by Luke Ford) take the helm. What could have been a great movie ended up being a disappointment.

September’s award goes to:

my_best_friends_girlMy Best Friend’s Girl. This could have been hilarious….and it was… for about 4.2 minutes. The rest of the time it was just okay in an “I suppose I haven’t wasted my money completely” type of way. Can Jason Biggs play anything other than himself? Does he still refer to himself as an actor? Come to think of it, is Kate Hudson stuck in a “I’m earning so I’m not changing” mood? She also seems to take her character from one film and put it in another (cut, style).

October’s award goes to:

blindnessBlindness. You have an all star cast, some beautiful visuals, a controversial subject with regards to the lack of humanity and you still end up with something that’ll disappoint on many levels. Trust me on this. If you haven’t seen it, put on some Enigma, mute the television and sit back. You’ll think that Blindness is stunning. If you dare to un-mute the TV though, you’re in for a shock.

November’s award goes to:

boltBolt. What could have been an excellent film turned into something that you’d expect from a lesser studio. Bolt could have been great and had some moments of genius within. Sadly though it still didn’t hold your attention enough to ignore how uncomfortable those cinema seats are!

December’s award is:

sevenpoundsSeven Pounds. Will Smith takes us for a ride in a film with a name that won’t mean a thing unless you know your Shakespeare. The trailers looked great. You sat there with expectation in your eyes and within 8 minutes you felt cheated. This film could have been so much more with a little editing. Such a shame really as I had high hopes after his role in I am Legend.

So there you have it, from January to December we have our winners. All of these films were specifically chosen as each of them could have been so much better. With more attention paid to them and a few changes here and there, they could have been great! They weren’t bad…but they weren’t good either! They are the Paddy Ashdowns of the movie industry!

So who can win the Ultimate award? Has any thought gone into it at all? Am I just making this up as I go along? Do you really care at this point?

Our Ultimate accomplishment of mediocrity can only be awarded to……Jumper!

4-outof10-ultimate-award-ofThere were moments of genius. There were moments of Cinematic beauty. There were also moments that I would have rather vomited in a bucket. That’s right. Congratulations to Doug Liman, Hayden Christensen, Samuel L. Jackson and Rachel Bilson. Notice how I didn’t include Jamie Bell in that list? Well that’s because he was the only good one in the whole film. Jumper: a film that I’d buy if only to try and convince myself that it really wasn’t that bad…..and realise I was right originally.

So there you have it and as we end our Mediocre Awards of 2008, let me leave you with a quote from the main man himself. Mr Dean Cain. I salute you and your honesty!

“I want to do movies that I want to talk about, that I’m proud of, but I also want to make a living.”

Do you have better selection of mediocre films from 2008? Am I being a bit too harsh on Indiana Jones 4? What is so wrong with mediocre anyway? Let me know your thoughts!

Comments are closed.