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Reasons why Speed Racer is likely to be cack

Submitted by on May 1, 2008 – 7:25 pmNo Comment

Okay, so we know the usual scenario with The Wachowski’s being shy and being their spokesman (is that all he does these days?). However there are certain guidelines that these “genius” brothers need to take heed.

1: Pretty is nice, but not everything.

Okay, so you meet a beautiful girl (no question) and are very interested in them initially. After a quick introduction, this goddess starts talking and has a monotone voice. Coupled with this, her life story can be summed up in one sentence such as “Happy childhood, good education, enjoying work. NO NO NO NO NO! Its falling apart. Suddenly this beautiful vision is becoming uglier by the second. Her voice is mind numbingly annoying and she claims to be in perfect mental health with no issues whatsoever and that her favourite things in life are pubbing and clubbing. This is what we have to put up with! A beautiful woman, with a bad life story and a one-dimensional character is dull.. Pretty Yes..Dull dull dull.

2: Stop Joel Silver from becoming the 21st century’s biggest sycophant (That’s suck up to everyone else). I do not need to hear how “ground breaking” the effects are in this film and how these very special effects could not be made 2 years ago. NO NO NO! Stop it! I DON’T CARE! The best thing of the original matrix for me is that it was a solid film with only a couple of ground-breaking scenes. It wasn’t that amazing people. It really wasn’t. When all is said and done, Speed Racer has to stand up to the critics of this year and the critics of ten years down the line. The Matrix if watched now still is a good flick, but the effects do look dated (or jerky). You need good foundations…

3: Stop harking on about the films being from “the creators of the Matrix”. This does not hold weight anymore, because they destroyed this vision when they attempted a “hot scene” between Neo and Trinity in Matrix .Talk about as cold as a fridge in the arctic. These people have NO chemistry…none…not anything….zip.

4: In my humble one, Mr Silver and Mr and Mr Wachowski, it is important for you to be humble. Speed Racer looks pretty (no question). However, a pretty but dull film with one dimensional characters whom we care little about is not the way to go. I have not seen Speed Racer to date, but rest assured; if you release a pretty film and NOTHING ELSE, then critics around the world will pan it (including me). Cinema’s do not come with mute buttons (if only) and so just being pretty does not cut it alone. What about style and substance? A decent storyline for example.

5: You need actors who can act! (Nothing more to be said here except the words “Keanu Reeves” whose contribution to Matrix Reloaded was the words “Who, why, what, where, when”. I mean, the dude just kept asking questions!!!!

Well, there you have it. Five simple rules to refrain from failure. Will Speed Racer be a good watch? Does anyone care? Does anyone outside America know who Emile Hirsch is, How good will the storyline be? Is the fact that this is a family movie mean people will be less harsh on the storyline?

In truth, I hope to be proved wrong. I hope that the trailers I have seen online are not a good representation of the film. I doubt it though. Genius is earned. Once earned it is a constant struggle to maintain. We shall see if Silver and the Wachowskis have struggled next week. (Speed Racer is released on the 9th May)

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