Twilight is a film that I have avoided vehemently. There is something about it that I cannot put my finger on… Hold on. It’s completely obvious why I didn’t want to pay good money to see this and that is the fact that a story focussed on a pouting teenager and her beau who happens to do nothing but pout and act grumpy does not appeal in the slightest. The poster says it all! In fact it may as well be called “EMO” instead of Twilight since that is truly what it is about.

So is this Emo-athon worth a look for anyone other than teenagers? There is no doubt that if you are a certain age and suitably cheesed off with the world around you, then you may just appreciate the tone of this movie. For everyone else…I suggest you take up self-harm instead.

Synopsis:

A teenage girl risks everything when she falls in love with a vampire.

Critique:

Twilight, it seems is being hailed as the next Harry Potter. This is an unfair comparison as the books (and even the films) of our favourite teenage wizard seem to appeal to all ages. Indeed, I am in my 30’s and am an avid fan of Mr Potter and Chums (so sue me). I was converted (as it were) by the first Harry Potter movie. Despite being the weakest in the series, it still held my attention enough for me to start reading the books.

This adaptation however, does nothing but scare me off of the Twilight series. If you were to watch the film then you would suffer nearly two hours of mumbling teenagers moaning about how they shouldn’t be together. This may make an intriguing read but it will turn you into a vegetable no better than an Emo on a two year stint.

I hate to use a very modern term such as “Emo” but I just can’t help it. Ten years ago I would have used the term “Goth” but it would have been completely inaccurate. Today I use the term Emo with the same type of inaccuracy. Surely the characters on screen are what Goths and Emos aspire to be. If only all pouty, lipstick wearing grumpy teenagers were vampires then perhaps they go around trying to kill each other instead of giving me grief!

Ahem. Apologies for this side rant about teenagers. I had promised myself that I was going to behave with this review. The fact is though, if you are not sure whether you’re going to like this film, I suggest you watch the first three minutes, because within that time you will know whether you could suffer it another minute longer.

The sexual euphemism running throughout this movie is so apparent they might as well put it on a news ticker across the bottom of the screen. When Edward Cullen describes how he can’t contain himself, you know that he’s not just talking about his “powers” as a vampire.

If you haven’t guessed already, I didn’t think much of this film. I had hoped for a story that would take me back to childhood. I had hoped for too much! Whilst writing my notes on the film I had started writing lines: “all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy”. No entertaining film could have made me this bored. If Mr Intense Cullen doesn’t send you bananas, the character of Bella (I wanna be Buffy) Swan will!

Conclusion:

If you have a teenager who wants to go and see this movie then let them. If you have a wife who wants to see this movie, then divorce them and if you have a husband who wants to watch it, then worry about him. The only positive thing to come out of this experience was the fact that I don’t have to watch it again!

Rating: 2.5 out of 5

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