For those of you in the know, I despise the attention that a Ms Jessica Alba
receives. No, I do not wish to be her (just don't have the hips), or envy her "fame". I just think most (if not all of it) is unwarranted. Take for example Sin City where she plays a stripper (with no useful dialogue at all) or Fantastic four (and its sequel
), where she plays an invisible woman. In truth this role was best suited to her abilities, but I didn't think they made her transparent enough for the movie. What about the film: "Honey" (has anyone seen that?). Or even "Into the Blue" where she and Paul Walker
get oiled up and head to the beach for a few poses.
Of all the recent spurts of "Jessicas" she (in my opinion) is the least talented. Perhaps that is a bit offensive. What I mean to say is, after proving she has a pretty face (to some) long ago, she still has to prove that she is able to act. To me, she is as talented as Jessica Simpson. Both of these women have nothing on a woman who has proved herself to be able to act and that is Jessica Biel
. Admittedly, Ms Biel has not proved herself time and time again. Indeed, apart from Elizabethtown and The Illusionist she has not achieved anything very memorable. Nevertheless, in comparison to the likes of Jessica Alba, Ms Biel is infinitely better.
With this in mind then, it is important to accept Ms Alba for what she is good for. An attractive woman
capable of misdirecting you away from the crap that she stars in. Well it seems that I am oblivious to Ms Alba's charms because despite her doing nothing but smiling at the camera (with the odd wiggle) I still felt like I had been robbed of my time whilst watching this movie.
Going into the latest Mike Myers
' movie then I wondered to myself whether this was just another Austin Powers sequel, since it starred the man himself alongside an attractive woman with a dwarf in tow (Verne Troyer
). Myers spends most of the time making in-jokes, with crude references to bottoms, sex and other body excretions that would only entertain the lowest of IQ's.
Clearly there are no shortage of "stars" prepared to work with Myers and completely trust his "art", as the Love Guru co-stars Sir Ben Kingsley, Justin Timberlake and has cameos from the likes of Val Kilmer, Jessica Simpson and Kanye West. Why on earth would anyone think that Myers is still considered funny? In truth, I knew that I wanted to leave the auditorium throughout the overly extended opening credits. I was begging for someone to burst in and take a gun to my head.
This, as a great deal of promotion has told us, is the latest comedy from Mike Myers
. You'd be excused for thinking then, that Mike Myers
has all the good gags. He does not. In fact (with the exception of Jessica Alba and the elephant) every other character on screen has at least one scene that gets a laugh. Val Kilmer is on screen for no longer than 20 seconds and he is funnier than The Guru Pitka (Myers). Amongst these amusing scenes include the ever weird commentators, Verne Troyer as an angry manager, Sir Ben Kingsley (in an "I can't believe he signed up for this crap" role) as a boss-eyed guru. In truth, even the book titles and the Ice Hockey graphics on screen are more amusing than Myers. However none of these gags come close to the amusement of watching a permed Justin Timberlake singing Celine Dion.
The comedy that hits though is overwhelmed by the moments of silence. In fact, Myers should have come with tumbleweed attached to his belt. That, along with a sound of Crickets in the background every time he opened his mouth would have made his character actually useful. This mish mash of old jokes used and reused over and over again becomes tiresome VERY quickly. I mean, how many times does a "he has a large cock" (as in the bird) joke have to be told before you get sick of it. I can tell you how many times. Exactly, twice. After two times of hearing how well endowed Mr Timberlake's character is you want to move on. Unfortunately, the film won't allow you to and continues to drag you back (kicking and screaming) to something that wasn't inherently funny in the first place. I would like to know why Justin Timberlake feels the need to support his "I am hung like a petrol-pump" image. Is it in his contract? When he signs up for a movie, does his agent state that there must be so many references to his girth etc?
If only this had not been called The Love Guru and instead be called: "The Ice Hockey Muff-ups". In fact, if anyone edited out Mike Myers
from the Love Guru, I'd probably watch and enjoy it. In its current state though this film does not deserve your time or mine. Yes it is more amusing than Eddie Murphy's "Meet Dave" but then so is having your leg amputated without anaesthetic in front of your wife cheating on you. If this is the level of comedy of 2008, then someone put me in a coma and wake me up when Myers has more material.
Two ratings for this movie:
Rating with Mike Myers
(as you will see it): 1.5 out of 5
Rating without Mike Myers (as it should have been made): 3 out of 5 (Mr Myers' character really destroys the movie that
Have you suffered the indignity of The Love Guru? Are you obsessed with Jessica Alba and disagree that she is more use in a movie for the deaf? Your opinions and comments are always welcome.