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Review of 88 Minutes

Submitted by on April 13, 2008 – 6:27 pmOne Comment

So let’s start the ball rolling with a film called 88 minutes (or as IMDB refers it) 88: 88 minutes. I’m not entirely sure why. Surely one 88 minutes is enough in a title.

Anyway, for those interested it “stars” Al Pacino sporting a mop for hair and an extremely “fashionable” goatee.mmm…nice! He plays a character named Jack..Why do studios insist that Jack is a cool name? I can just imagine the screenwriters sitting down and thinking to themselves: “we need to give our main man a cool name”. “I know” says the other “we’ll call him Jack”. “Yeah that sounds cool. He could take no shit of anyone” spouts the third screenwriter in true double negative fashion. Why? Is there not another more appropriate “with it” name to use? I have a few suggestions. How about Al? Yeah, that could work. I’m sure Al Pacino wouldn’t mind. After all he does use it day-in-day-out. He is first seen waking up next to an actress less than half his age (at best guess) and the film continues with lots of women swooning whenever he is near. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure the man is charismatic, but I just feel that he is not the sort of man best for playing cool man roles. Take for example, his secretary who seems to have more testosterone in one pinky than our man Al/Jack does in his whole existence. But that’s alright, because the film so kindly lets us know that she is that way due to the fact that she is a lesbian. Well that’s okay then. Why can’t the lesbian have 88 minutes before she dies? That’d be funny! Especially with this production crew. They would have her running round the local gay bars threatening her tank-top-and-commando-trouser wearing friends shouting obscenities like “Why are you trying to kill me ducky”?

Al (I mean Jack) plays this cool lecturer-come-psychiatrist-come-forensic-specialist-come policeman-ish person and he helped put away a “serial psychopath”. What does “serial psychopath” mean? Does that mean the bloke murders psychopaths….a lot of them? Nope, it is just a cool way of saying that this person was a bad bad man. Oh yes. You shouldn’t cross him in a hurry. Personally I think he looks like one of the care bear cousins on dope (CBCD), but you’d better see for yourself. Anyway, this cuddly serial psychopath looks so scary (apparently) he is to be acting in this upcoming Street Fighter film (Street-fighter: The legend of Chun-Li). And guess who he is supposedly playing? Yep, that’s right. He is playing another very evil looking chap named M.Bison. Oh yes. This man is scary!

I digress, before we even get introduced to our pal jack and our mate CBCD, we are introduced (briefly) to a pair of twins. A good thing, you might say. However, the director, instead of just flashing some words on the screen saying “it is 1997”, we are all treated to lots of mentioning of Princess Diana’s death and a paper with photos of the dear departed princess on the front cover. Personally this was completely pointless because it is presently 2008 and we still have these conversations and we still see her face on the front of the local rag. However, don’t panic. Just in case you weren’t smart enough to figure out that it is 1997, one shot gets the camera so close to the date on the paper that you’d swear you had just witnessed the conception of a weird camera-paper type being. Anyway these twins are named: wait for it….Janie and Joanie Cates. Who on this earth calls their twins names with identical initials. That must be a pain to receive mail. I honestly thought it was a comedy, considering this made me laugh more the whole of Superhero Movie.

This film is inundated with women. Oh yes. There’s a few noticeable ones including the pouting taught face of the headmistress who uses her glasses to keep her cosmetic surgery in place. She has a look on camera that seems as if she had just climaxed. Y’know: one of those phone-sex line voices (not that I know what they sound like). There’s our friend the kindly lesbian assistant who spends almost all of the time on the phone to the dead-man walking named Jack/Al. There’s a ginger haired woman who swoons and talks about her boyfriend a lot. There are others, but to me they just seem like clones of each other. They all are worshipping Al/Jack’s feet so it really doesn’t matter. We’ll call them groupies. Other than that, we have a great deal of one-dimensional characters, from the first FBI dude (no relevance to anything) to the other FBI dudes still no relevance to anything, to the other FBI dude who says nothing useful until 66 minutes into the film and asks “Why 88 minutes”. Good question. Although, by this time you just want the killer to get on with it.

You may be wondering why a synopsis is not complete in this review and I have ranted about testosterone levels as well. Well, the film is basically “Speed” on dope. Maybe it should be called “Slope”. Even down to the continuous mention of the words “tic toc”. However, I am being truly kind to this trash by comparing it to the mediocrity of “Speed” because the Keanu Reeves film at least buses and pace. This film has something perhaps the main star should have…That’s a pacemaker for those who couldn’t see where I was going with this. In fact, the main character from that was called Jack as well. Wow! What a cool name.

To sum up this embarrassing experience let’s run through a few pointers:

  • It’s Speed on dope (Slope)
  • Embarrassing goatee sported by Jack
  • Awful lines such as “is that a gun”? “Yes it’s a gun”. It’s not a chicken you stupid bint!
  • Awful one dimensional characters. (E.g. Orgasmic headmistress)
  • Unintentionally funny moments (for a thriller
  • Should have been 37 minutes long. That’s when my attention started to wane.
  • Desperate female characters
  • Complete inaccuracy as far as research goes. The bloke just walks away from the FBI
  • Joanie and Janie’s cat should get an Oscar for putting up with these colleagues.
  • Assumes the audience has the sense of the screenwriters by reminding us of the plot every five seconds.
  • Mediocre flashbacks
  • Pacino sporting a supermop on top of his head
  • Lesbians

This film is mediocre at best. Don’t bother. In fact just watch Speed slowed down to 20% speed and then you may have an idea of what I have just been through.

Mediocre film=mediocre score. If the best score is 4, then this is a 2 out of 10.

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