My Bloody Valentine 3D DVD review – remember your vomit bag
I really regret not seeing My Bloody Valentine 3D in the cinema. Perhaps not for the plot, acting or action but certainly for the 3D element. As it stands, I sit here reviewing the DVD release of My Bloody Valentine with a pair of cardboard toy glasses which do nothing for the supposedly immersive experience. In fact most of the time I felt very much like a bit of an idiot as my nosey neighbours took a look through the window. What they saw was a naked woman on screen carrying a gun whilst I watched intently with silly specs on and I’m convinced they were not so impressed with what could have been 3D porn.
Tom returns to his hometown on the tenth anniversary of the Valentine’s night massacre that claimed the lives of 22 people. Instead of a homecoming, however, Tom finds himself suspected of committing the murders, and it seems like his old flame is the only one who believes he’s innocent.
You would think that a horror film is the ideal genre for three dimensions. The opportunities to have a sharp item thrown out at the audience are endless. My Bloody Valentine takes every single one of these opportunities and throws in much more! In fact I was so very bored with a blurry green/red sharp thing supposedly coming out of the screen that I felt positively nauseous! That coupled with the odd fist, eyeball and newspaper sent me to bored city very, very quickly.
The three-dimensional aspect of the film should allow it to be immersive. Unfortunately it comes across as a bad gimmick. I have been advised that the 3D in this film (in the cinematic presentation) was impressive. When presented with the cheap 3D glasses version though, I was advised by the same person that it was utter rubbish. Watching MBV was tantamount to downing 8 pints of your favourite brew and attempting simultaneous equations. You know that you should be able to understand them (for they are just letters and numbers), but everything is just a bit too blurry to be understood. When it isn’t blurry it manages to have South Pacific style colouring (i.e. completely red, completely green or no colour at all – and this is supposed to be fun?). What bothers me most is that using the better plastic 3D glasses you find in Cinemas may make a more expensive DVD but would ultimately keep My Bloody Valentine’s cinematic glory (although I have been informed that the circular polarizing glasses wouldn’t work on a DVD presentation). As it is, the experience is laughable at best and nauseating far too often.
Now that we have the 3D gimmick out of the way, what of the film itself? Well as horrors go I managed to be scared exactly zero times! Despite showing every cast member before and after a ten year gap, the only things that have changed are the facial growth in two of the men! Okay, so you don’t expect too much realism in these kinds of movies but you would hope for a small effort at least.
I am not a fan of horror movies. Most of them have a thinner plot than Paris Hilton’s waste, very bad acting, a bad guy that just won’t die, unnecessary nakedness and a killer twist (that is obvious to anyone with half a brain). In many ways My Bloody Valentine succeeds using these criteria. However it takes itself far too seriously whilst doing it. When I go and see a comedy, I expect to laugh. When I go and see a weepy, I expect to cry. When I go and see a horror, I expect to be scared. When I watch a 3D presentation, I expect to be in awe of the visuals. This film was not scary at all and the 3D left me annoyed (and not in awe).
Ultimately My Bloody Valentine fails as a 3D film at home due to the fact that the 3D glasses are cheaply made and add nothing to the experience. It fails as a horror because it simply isn’t scary and it fails as pure silly entertainment as I was somewhat bored throughout. The only group that I would advise seeing this are a small bunch of drunk individuals incapable of rational thought (and clear vision). Okay, so they may just feel a little sick but you can always just blame the alcohol!
Be conscious of the fact that My Bloody Valentine is made for cinemas. It is not meant for 3 people to sit around a television watching an inordinate amount of ghosting whilst simultaneously feeling nauseous. However if you are still keen to get it, be assured that the release includes a 2D presentation in the box as well (for those of us who just can’t get on with wearing silly cardboard glasses that do nothing for the presentation.
Perhaps I have been a little harsh on the 3D element and have ignored the film itself. If the film stood up as an entertaining watch, then I would have done. As it is, My Bloody Valentine 3D has only one thing going for it and it is spoiled by awful plastic glasses!
Rating: 2 out of 5