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If Only: A DVD movie review Starring Jennifer Love Hewitt

Submitted by on May 29, 2008 – 6:28 pm2 Comments

If_onlyI am a sucker for punishment. Today I sat down and watched a film. Now maybe you Americans have some clue as to who is and why she is famous, but I do not! Yes, I know she stars in Ghost Whisperer: a TV series that looks so bad, even I refuse to sit down and watch it! I also realise that she “starred” in the films and even Heartbreakers with . However I just don’t see why this woman deserves to be known this well. In fact, instead of the usual critic’s acronym that she gets (JLH), I have decided to forever more refer to her as Jenny Hewey (or some other annoying derivative). That’s much more appropriate. No actor who starred in “Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit”, deserves usage of their middle letter when abbreviating their moniker (especially if “Love” is her middle name) It’s just an opinion people! Don’t sue me until I've said my piece!

After a quick search through IMDB, you’ll notice that Jenny “The Eyelash” Hewey has not had a movie acting role that rates (according to its users) above 6.1. 6.1 out of 10? Seriously, that is not good news. She has starred in 22 released movies (which include the animated ones) and she has only managed to please users a bit. Let  us not forget that a score of 1 to 10 usually denotes that 5 is only “okay”. Therefore, Chewy Hewey only achieves just above okay.Is this bad acting choices, or the suggestion that she has spent so much time being an actress that “real-life” is something that other people do! (I don’t agree with the previous statement: don’t sue me yet).

In “If Only” though, our Lashlenny has decided that in this film she will show you so much more. Yes that’s right: J-Hew doesn’t just have a pair of breasts (lest you forget). She does in fact act as a producer, act as a singer and act as a pain in the arse. This would be great (in a versatile kind of way). Unfortunately, in the opinion of this reviewer: SHE CAN’T ACT! Maybe she can dance or throw a majorette’s baton instead. We’re missing that kind of talent on the big screen. I truly do not know what this woman is doing in a film. Now stop it!

With this in mind, I give to you “If Only”. A film based in the United Kingdom starring our very favourite Levey Jon Howit, a man who once starred in a few episodes of Eastenders (Paul Nicholls) and Tom Wilkinson (the grumpy one from The Full Monty). You just know this is going to be bad before I begin, don’t you!

The synopsis of the film reads like a crossbreed of Sliding Doors, Groundhog Day and Final Destination. Now we’re talking! It sounds good right? Wrong! Very very wrong! In fact, if you thought that it sounds like a cool story, I would invite you to watch “If Only”. You are not allowed to continue this review, you unwell individual! Stop!............Ahem. Anyway, they have taken the best bits from each of these stories and THROWN THEM IN THE BIN! Yes, that’s right: The fun from Groundhog Day: in the bin, the thrill and mystery that was Final Destination: in the bin. the clever interaction between what had happened and what could have happened from Sliding doors: IN THE GODDAMN BIN! Why does the bin get all the good ?

Now we come to the acting. Oh yes, there was a bit of acting in it! Well, Tom Wilkinson’s mysterious cab driver was very mysterious and er......good.

On  to the advice section. Usually, I don’t necessarily offer advice in the form of bullet points, but this film needs it and I expect that anyone who was responsible for the making of “If Only” would not fully understand prose. This section is necessary on the off chance that one of these film-makers is reading:

  • Stop with the clichés
  • Get some chemistry between the actors
  • ACT!
  • Don’t offend everyone! You insult the British with your bad acting and insult of a storyline and you insult the Americans because it’s just so damn uninteresting! You also insult the rest of the world by expecting them to buy a film that not only offends their intelligence by hiring actors that just don't cut the mustard, but also by putting both of their names above the title!
  • Take Hennifer Jive Lowhit out in the world to experience life once in a while! You can only act, if you have experience of life itself. In my humble opinion, the best actors draw from their experiences and hardships. They are convincing because of it.
  • Don’t use the slow-down bouncy hair effect that was parodied in Shrek 2! Seriously, it looks like an advert for Loreal!
  • Okay, so I think I’ve done with the “advice”. You may be wondering why I am giving “If Only” a hard time, whilst letting “Sleuth” off scott-free. It’s because this film had many great ingredients. Really: it did. I’m not sure of the budget of If Only, but in truth I imagine it could have been made for a very small amount (minus Henny Ben Fudgit’s assumedly exorbitant fees). This is where it could have done so well. Low budget, clever storyline films are surprise hits on DVD. It is really a pleasure to find a film you’ve never heard of, that cost nothing to make and yet is pleasantly entertaining (in a Sunday Matinee way). Unfortunately, this is not one of those gems!
  • Instead of Jenny’s partner being a British man with a classic London accent, they decided to pick Paul Nicholls, who sounds like he can’t decide what area of Britain he’s from. He honestly sounded like a boy going through puberty (wavy voice syndrome). Oh hold on, that was Jenny’s singing wasn’t it!

There was one redeeming factor of all this and that was the un-Hollywood ending. The only thing to be said about this was, it wasn’t as crap as the rest of the film. Throughout 92 minutes of my ever fading life, I could have watched two children pretending to act, as opposed to these lifeless performances. Even the child actors were awful! In fact, the film was destined to be wrong from the beginning by having an interesting synopsis and an expectant tagline: “He loved her like there was no tomorrow”. If the tagline had been: “Bad accent, awful acting, hateable children, low budget and you get to see JLH in her bra (again)”, I would have probably been kinder....or maybe not!

This film is the epitome of a bad cake from relatively good ingredients: -

  • Paul Nichols: - Showed he can act in Eastenders and a good looking bloke (apparently)
  • Tom Wilkinson: - does a great grumpy character, could have been well used
  • What-if type storyline: endless opportunities to make this fun and romantic (see Groundhog Day)
  • A Hollywood actress (good for the crowd pulling appeal)
  • A singer (see above)

All of the above made a meal of Eel parmesan and 12 week old eggs stuffed into the backside of a poor dead bunny! If that sounds like a barrel of laughs for you, why not buy the DVD, if you can find it. The fact is, after all of this abuse, I am still going to suggest you buy the film. Yes: you heard me. If you hop on over to Amazon, you’ll find that they only have one region 2 DVD left for £19.99. This looks like it’s going to be an investment in years to come. I imagine that in about ten years, you’ll be sitting on something so rare that people will trade an Easter Island Statue for it.Just don't use it as a coaster (as I am doing)

If you expect me to rate this then you are seriously taking the biscuit. Rate it yourself! I dare you! I need to calm down now, soI thought I'd include some pics of Honiker Moan Flovet with her specially false smile.

Feeling better? No. Me neither! UPDATE: Finally feeling calmer and have rated it: 1.5 out of 5 (just for sheer collectability)

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